Chasing Shadows

There's the old saying, "when life throws you a lemon, you make lemonade'.
As much optimistic my outlook of life seemingly appears to be, I cannot possibly deny that innate gnawing presence of pessimism residing deep within me. Perhaps it is that almost habitual practice of constantly being that "almost" person...the guy who promised so much but always never able to achieve what is really expected of him.

The guy who tackled for the ball only to lose it moments later in a soccer match...
The guy who shadowed his opponent's every movement only to lose steam and fade into oblivion in a basketball game...
The guy who sprinted and lapped along the waters only to find his arms and feet bounded by cramps little moments from the starting blocks...
The guy who exceeded expectations in his first semester only to lose it all when everyone around him seem to finally place expectations on his shoulders....

I do not know if I am just someone deviod of the temperment to handle stressful situations or just simply being harsh on myself. It seems everything I do never goes according to plan...Murphy's Law perhaps...

That sense of unpleasurable guilt and immense frustration felt when a friend enquired how the results and grades went...but before any response was tendered...it seems that duely claims of me gettings As and distinctions are but a mere formality and that only my personal acknowledgement would suffice. I never did hold grudges for I understood the intention of it was constructed more as a joke than anyother inflammatory comment....guess I am just more angry with myself for not achieving what was expected of me. I just feel maybe I have let too many people in my life down one too many times...

Much as I try to ignore them...it seems I just cannot allow myself not to be judged by others...maybe I do regard much more of how other perceived of me than I had initially imagined. Superficial as can be...I am still a mortal susceptible to judgements...

A friend commented that I seem rather different from how I am in real life as compared to my voice in this blog...maybe I am.....but perhaps I am not afterall...it leaves to the perceptor to judge once again...

I thought I had finally found someone who understood me....then again...being the "almost" person I am...guess nothing works according to plan when you most need it to be...

Nevertheless....life goes on.